i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
