i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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