hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
why is half of my head shaved?
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