life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
