I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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