WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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