oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
