If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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