There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
