I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
