Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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