my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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