I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
