I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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