Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
