Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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