I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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