I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
