just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
