I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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