Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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