I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
