Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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