Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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