apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
