I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
