i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
