It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
