we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
