I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
