guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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