dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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