Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dignity is for republicans.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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