It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
