i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.