How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have so many feelings about this burrito
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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