i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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