my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
