My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
