it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
