Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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