So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
