i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
