I wish I only lived at night.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
