tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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