Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Church boner. Awkwardddd
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
