No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
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his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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