The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
