Your mouth is God's brothel.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
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Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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That's how pantless uber rides happen
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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