It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
