According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm both gender and math confused
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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