The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
