do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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