you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
