does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
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I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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