actually, I'm a sock model
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
