I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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