the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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