I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i've created a new STD.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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