I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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